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Dear Mr. Brightside,
I've been through a lot with my boyfriend of 7 months, but sometimes things don't go the way it should? I don't get the respect I think I deserve and I feel like I've become someone I'm not. Don't get me wrong, he has a good heart and I adore him a lot.. just some things I want to change?
-Anonymous
· Mutual respect. Does he or she know exactly how cool you are and why? Now, watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you might be acting like someone you’re not. What’s important is that your BF or GF is interested in who you are — for your sense of humor, your interests, etc. When you say you’re not comfortable doing something, does your partner listen and respectfully back off? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is, and would never push the other’s limits.
· Good communication. Many people say that men and women speak different languages. Even the phrase “no, nothing’s wrong” has many different meanings depending on who said it. Not understanding the meanings in between the lines can cause stir ups in relationships. What's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.
· Trust. You're talking with a guy from class and your boyfriend walks by. How does he react? Does he lose his composure or does he casually walk on by knowing he has no worries? Jealousy is a natural emotion, thus it is okay to get a little jealous at times. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
· Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
· Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get a good mark in school.
· Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
· Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
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